#30: aquatic friends

There are only two places in this world where Speedos are appropriate: Sweden and OBU swim meets.

Sure, some may say “hey, wow, that small piece of spandex you’re wearing screams ‘TMI!’” But such people have obviously not experienced the aerodynamic efficiency that said piece of swimwear provides. And not only that, it is highly preferable attire at outdoor sporting events. Who wants those awkward shirt and shorts tan lines?

A variety of adjectives (occasionally with more than four letters) may be uttered when the subject of our aquatic friends at OBU comes up in conversation. Some may complain about the exclusiveness that said group often adheres to. Others may be frustrated about their dining location in the caf (whatever, we didn’t want to sit there anyway). And others may simply be intimidated by their confidence in rocking minimal clothing.

Yet, let’s be honest, any hard feelings we Ouachitonians may feel towards our dearly beloved Tigersharks are only motivated by one thing: jealousy. That being said, I think that we must bond together to overcome this breaking of the 10^th commandment together. The only way to avoid being totes jel of one’s neighbor is by making said neighbor your friend.

So, here are some great strategies for becoming besties with the OBU Tigersharks…

mission: BEFRIEND A SWIMMER

1. feign a near-drowning:

This plan involves both acting and swimming abilities. Be timely. Make sure you attempt this during the regular hours of swim team practice, lest your Oscar-worthy performance be all in vain. You have two options: A. The “Oh I was just casually strolling by the water’s edge when I stubbed my toe and fell in” plan and B. The “I was swimming laps when, out of the blue, I suddenly went belly-up like a betta fish” plan. A Tigershark will have dived in that pool and swum to your rescue faster than you can hum the JAWS theme. And everyone knows that saving someone’s life equals lifelong friendship.

CAUTION: If you do not have the level of swimming proficiency necessary to put this plan into action, please divert to one of the other options, lest your attempt at faking your drowning result in your actual drowning. (The OBU Tigersharks are not liable for any deaths that may occur in efforts to befriend them).

2. maintain a daily caloric intake of 20,000+:

You will not be able to avoid bumping into a Tigershark as you both return for the 10^th time to the mainline. You’ll chat, bond, and plan a rendezvous for maximum bonding at one of Arkadoo’s all-you-can-eat buffets. Friendship is sure to ensue.

CAUTION: A diet of this proportion may necessitate your spending hours each day in vigorous exercise.

3. try a new hairstyle:

Boys, you know you’ve always wanted a Mohawk. Not only will said hairstyle land you on the path to being chummy with the swimteam, but you will also blend in at all local gatherings of both the KKK and British punk bands. Win-win.

For the girls, rock the sopping-wet bun. They won’t even know you’re not one of them.

4. Eat breakfast at 5:00am

The Tigersharks will not be able to ignore your heart-breaking loneliness as you dine morning after morning in the caf alone. If you don’t have a table invite in no time I will lose my faith in mankind. (However, if they do, by some chance, fail to notice you, try wearing an ankle-length rainjacket. By the time they realize you’re not actually a part of the team, you’ll have already won your place in their hearts).

5. when thinking life-science lab partner, choose a Tigershark:

Nothing says fellowship like making a baby potato head together.

Dear swimming Ouachitonian, if you are reading this, know that we long for your companionship, to understand where you’re coming from, to embrace diversity and tolerance through unity with YOU, our fellow Ouachitonian. I’ll leave you with a twist on the poetry of one wise mermaid—your comrade, if you will. Consider it an insight into all of our hearts:

When's it your turn?
Wouldn't you love, love to explore that world up above?
Out of the sea
Wish you could be
Part of our world.

**The idea for today's post was submitted by Amanda Seeley!