Thursday, May 17, 2012

#37: the Bible Butt

Enjoy a guest post from the always amusing Taylor Lamb:

If you have ever been to Refuge, or even church for that matter, then you have definitely seen it. You know what I’m talking about. You’re walking into the sanctuary when BAM, it’s your face. It’s a butt. It’s a butt that is irregular in size and shape. This is when it hits you: that guy has a Bible on his butt. It’s right there in his back pocket. He is so close to the word of God at all times (because we all know that the word of God diffuses from a larger concentration to a smaller concentration when in contact with a believer). It’s basically part of him – or at least part of his wardrobe. Throughout my years at Ouachita, I have seen many a Bible Butt and have even come to classify them into three distinct groups.

The Petite Bible Butt (PBB)
The most common Bible Butt is popular among those looking for comfort. This usually comes in the form of a KJV New Testament. The benefit is not the translation, but rather the fact that these Bibles come in the smallest of sizes and easily fit into the back pocket. The advantages of the PBB are obvious. With bibles only slightly larger than wallets, they can be taken anywhere, and do not need removal from the pocket when sitting down. For these reasons, the PBB is a go to for girls, seeing as anything larger could never get into the back pocket of those skinny jeans. However, there are also disadvantages. For one, it’s an archaic text. And two, there is no Old Testament (except for some of the editions which include Psalms and Proverbs). So if you put comfort above the necessity of the complete word of God in a modern readable translation, I would say the PBB is the way to go.

The Creased Bible Butt (CBB)
 This Bible Butt is characterized by an average sized (Non-study) Bible folded – almost to the point of creasing – and inserted into the back pocket. The ESV Thinline is a primary candidate for the CBB. This is the method of choice by the hip youth minister type, especially in older generations (in which case it is commonly accompanied by a makeshift duct tape front and back cover). The benefits of this method are many. Primarily, it is a very effective way to wear in a new Bible and give the allusion of consistent and frequent reading (unless of course you are one of those “One should cherish his Bible and keep it in perfect condition” kind of people). Also, it saves money for the Want-To-Be-Bible-Butter. It can be pricey to purchase a full Bible that fits into the back pocket without folding, where-as the ESV Thinline can be purchased for a budget friendly fifteen dollars. Despite the fact that this Bible Butt-er literally twists and molds the word of God for his own purposes, this is a great method to accomplish the Bible Butt.

The Fitted Bible Butt (FBB)
The FBB is for those who want to go all in on the Bible Butt but don’t want to sacrifice the Old Testament. To accomplish the FBB, one must seek out and find a Bible that will fit snug in the back pocket of his or her pants. As a former Fitted Bible Butter myself, I recommend the Zondervan NASB Compact Reference Bible. It is the perfect size for the back pocket of an average pair of jeans and has nice gold trim as well as a leather cover. Some might call the thickness common of an FBB Bible a draw back. I would agree in terms of sitting down, but the benefit is that if someone has one of these things in his pocket, everyone within a forty foot radius will know it. That is a bulge that does not go unseen. Some more drawbacks might be the price and the font size. These Bibles can be upwards of forty dollars and some require a magnifying glass in order to read them. Fitted Bible Butts are frequently scrutinized for their lack of creativity and perseverance. They didn’t make their other bibles work for the bible butt. Instead, they spent money that could have been used to feed an average of 14 young African children for six weeks on buying yet another Bible. So if you really want to 1) rock the Bible Butt, 2) have the whole Bible, and 3) don’t mind letting young children starve, I would recommend the FBB.

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