The echoes of incessant pillow talk wafting through the halls of Francis Crawford into the wee hours of the morn, and the giddy yet slightly distressed facial expressions that the class-of-2014 boys are currently sporting can only mean one thing: it is TWIRP season, ladies and gentlemen. For some girls--the few, the proud, the super-confident--TWIRP is a time of happy celebration. The only stress for these girls hits when they are forced to narrow down the list of their 30 closest guy friends to 6. However, for the rest of us ladies, TWIRP is a time filled with anguish. It's like all of a sudden our quasi-adult, emotionally stable, post-pubescent selves are transmogrified into those awkward middle-school versions from the past who sit at segregated lunch tables and read Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and whom we have for years tried to purge from our memories. It's as if we have been transported from our dorm rooms and internship offices straight onto the 2002 Band-Camp-Dance-Night-Floor where we wonder if that 3rd chair, baritone-playing hottie who sits next to us in 2nd band will reject us if we ask him to slow dance to N'Sync's "This I Promise You." Sure, we OBU girls constantly reassure each other that "no, a TWIRP date is definitely not a real date but instead, a no-strings-attached time of co-ed bonding." But riddle me this, friends: if a TWIRP invite is purely platonic, then why do my palms sweat so darn much when I am promenading my partner dosey-doe on the Bridges' farm or Thrillering it up next to him on TC Planet? And just how do I say, "Yes, perhaps I have singled you out from the other 750 eligibles on Ouachita's campus as the boy I want to awkwardly race to the center of a twizzler with, but I most certainly do not want this night to end in a moonlit stroll down to the gazebo"? Basically, as Samwise and Dr. Sonheim "the man" would say, we girls are in a pickle.
But wait! All is not lost! I have a plan for keeping you both stress and DTR free this semester, my female friend:
Mission: Twirp an International
An international student makes a wonderful TWIRP date for a variety of reasons. First of all, you don't have to waste your breath forcing small talk because he won't understand most of what you say, anyways. (For best results here, twirp an Asian--his language barrier is conveniently wider than that of your average European or South American). Secondly, there's a good chance that your international date has already been betrothed since birth to a nice lass back in his motherland. Thus, you are off the hook on the DTR front! Thirdly, his country's cultural implications for male-female interaction are generally quite different than those of America, and the inevitable wrong signals sent as a result can be both funny and scarring for life! Lastly, if the whole platonic thing doesn't fly and you accidentally find yourself matrimonially obligated to this boy by means of a 20-camel dowry, a threat on your mother's life, and a fatherly hand-under-the-in-law's-thigh oath, you can rest assured that the two of you will make beautiful ethnic babies together.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
#12: getting humbled by lampposts
I am personally so appreciative for Ouachita's commitment to ambience. The lampposts lining virtuallythe entire path from Maddox to the Student Center really add some romance to campus. This dymanic is especially useful for DTRs, DMCs, or even platonic strolls with co-ed friends at night. Ouachita's lighted pathways also add a a British flair to our little piece of A-Town. Sometimes as I am meandering around campus between the hours of 8:30PM and 5 AM, I imagine that I am not in fact an ordinary college student in small town Arkansas but instead, Lucy Pevensie, and that Mr. Tumus will be joining me shortly for for a cup of tea and some sketchy lute-playing.
However, one unfortunate aspect of OBU's landscaping is its intrinsic connection to injury. Perhaps you have had a similar experience...
There I am walking to class, doing a little multitasking--i.e. walking and texting at the same time--when SMACK! out jumps a lamppost right into the center of my path and takes me down. Now some might say that I should have known better, that simultaneous texting and walking is obviously hazardous both to your own health and to the safety of those around you. I mean, I have certainly heard the sermon enough from Oprah and Will Smith to have learned this truth. Yet, I would like to plead "not guilty" to the fault in this scenario, for I have a theory as to why you and I collide, lamp post, and that theory is...conspiracy. That's right, my friends, OBU's lampposts are rising up against us. It's like War of the Worlds with 90% less blood- sucking, 50% less Tom Cruise and 100% more epicness. Plus...This. Is. Real. Life.
Perhaps they are bitter about the way their close proximity to to each other dims the significance of the individual lamp post. Maybe they're saying "hey, I wanna let this little light of mine shine all by myself, thank you very much, and I certainly don't need Mr. Lamp Post 65 here taking away my glory." However, I think that far more likely, the lampposts, like us, are not prideful individuals searching for satisfaction through a variety of selfish and abusive methods but instead, instruments for God's purposes. I envision the conversation going something like this:
Me: "Dear Lord, I just really need you to humble me. Lay my pride by my side in whatever way you see fit. I just want you to be glorified in my life, God."
God: "Done-skies"...
"Team Leader, Team Leader, I have an 827 on Jessica Schleiff. She's just prayed the 'ole "humble-me-Lord" prayer, and I believe that together with her general clumsiness and your skills in combat, we can totally make this thing happen. Lamp Post 1, please give a run down on the plan to Lamp Post 33. Over and Out."
Lamppost 1: "Lamp Post 33, do you copy? The subject is currently at your 3 0' clock, approaching the front of Mabee at approximately 3 miles an hour. I think you know what to do. Oh, and look at that! She's on her phone. It's like taking candy from a baby. 10-4, good sir."
Lamppost 33: "Copy, Team Leader. I am now slowly scooting 5 inches to my left...and...she's...DOWN, boys! The subject is down! Mission accomplished. What a job well done. I'll see you becoming even more undignified than this, Schleiff.
Sometimes, if the lampposts want to get really saucy, they get the columns in on it all, too. All I am sayin' is that you best be watching your step, my friend, and be careful what you pray for. It could be you next time lying concussed on the pavement with a sent text that reads "OMG! Be right therghuhdiuaslhjhsdiu"
However, one unfortunate aspect of OBU's landscaping is its intrinsic connection to injury. Perhaps you have had a similar experience...
There I am walking to class, doing a little multitasking--i.e. walking and texting at the same time--when SMACK! out jumps a lamppost right into the center of my path and takes me down. Now some might say that I should have known better, that simultaneous texting and walking is obviously hazardous both to your own health and to the safety of those around you. I mean, I have certainly heard the sermon enough from Oprah and Will Smith to have learned this truth. Yet, I would like to plead "not guilty" to the fault in this scenario, for I have a theory as to why you and I collide, lamp post, and that theory is...conspiracy. That's right, my friends, OBU's lampposts are rising up against us. It's like War of the Worlds with 90% less blood- sucking, 50% less Tom Cruise and 100% more epicness. Plus...This. Is. Real. Life.
Perhaps they are bitter about the way their close proximity to to each other dims the significance of the individual lamp post. Maybe they're saying "hey, I wanna let this little light of mine shine all by myself, thank you very much, and I certainly don't need Mr. Lamp Post 65 here taking away my glory." However, I think that far more likely, the lampposts, like us, are not prideful individuals searching for satisfaction through a variety of selfish and abusive methods but instead, instruments for God's purposes. I envision the conversation going something like this:
Me: "Dear Lord, I just really need you to humble me. Lay my pride by my side in whatever way you see fit. I just want you to be glorified in my life, God."
God: "Done-skies"...
"Team Leader, Team Leader, I have an 827 on Jessica Schleiff. She's just prayed the 'ole "humble-me-Lord" prayer, and I believe that together with her general clumsiness and your skills in combat, we can totally make this thing happen. Lamp Post 1, please give a run down on the plan to Lamp Post 33. Over and Out."
Lamppost 1: "Lamp Post 33, do you copy? The subject is currently at your 3 0' clock, approaching the front of Mabee at approximately 3 miles an hour. I think you know what to do. Oh, and look at that! She's on her phone. It's like taking candy from a baby. 10-4, good sir."
Lamppost 33: "Copy, Team Leader. I am now slowly scooting 5 inches to my left...and...she's...DOWN, boys! The subject is down! Mission accomplished. What a job well done. I'll see you becoming even more undignified than this, Schleiff.
Sometimes, if the lampposts want to get really saucy, they get the columns in on it all, too. All I am sayin' is that you best be watching your step, my friend, and be careful what you pray for. It could be you next time lying concussed on the pavement with a sent text that reads "OMG! Be right therghuhdiuaslhjhsdiu"
Monday, August 23, 2010
#11: ministering to the lonely
At Ouachita, we have compassion for the lonely. Thus, we make it our mission to reach out to those who are feeling friendless in our midst. It is easy to spot the lonely, and here are some tell-tale signs:
breakfasting by himself:
Considering that the average Ouachitonian leaps out of bed each morning with a cry of "Good morning, sun! Oh, how I can't wait to build community today," seeing someone sitting by himself at breakfast is a red flag for friendlessness. Please don't hesitate to slap down your tray of cereal and eggs down by his and ask him all about his life. In fact, if you spot someone sitting by himself at any meal, please walk over with a voice full of pity and loudly ask if him if he wouldn't rather pull up a chair and squeeze into your table full of people he's never met before. Don't be mislead by those textbooks and studious air with which he's dining, it is merely a cry for help.
walking a dog:
If you're intuitive like me, you'll have realized the truth that "man's best friend" is really just a cover up for "man has no friends." Please befriend that dog-walker and save him all those trips to the Arkadelphia Animal Shelter.
sitting by herself at Refuge:
This is one of the clearest signs. That contemplative spirit she's sporting does not signify meditative, quiet time with Lord but instead, the brokenness of loneliness. Please intervene, and intervene quickly. If you can bring 10 of your closest friends over to where she's sitting, that is even better. Be sure to include, "Are you ok? You can tell me. No really, what's wrong?" And make sure you kidnap her for a little post-Refuge Waffle House time. Nothing builds community like truckers, florescent lights, and eating greasy food at weird hours.
breakfasting by himself:
Considering that the average Ouachitonian leaps out of bed each morning with a cry of "Good morning, sun! Oh, how I can't wait to build community today," seeing someone sitting by himself at breakfast is a red flag for friendlessness. Please don't hesitate to slap down your tray of cereal and eggs down by his and ask him all about his life. In fact, if you spot someone sitting by himself at any meal, please walk over with a voice full of pity and loudly ask if him if he wouldn't rather pull up a chair and squeeze into your table full of people he's never met before. Don't be mislead by those textbooks and studious air with which he's dining, it is merely a cry for help.
walking a dog:
If you're intuitive like me, you'll have realized the truth that "man's best friend" is really just a cover up for "man has no friends." Please befriend that dog-walker and save him all those trips to the Arkadelphia Animal Shelter.
sitting by herself at Refuge:
This is one of the clearest signs. That contemplative spirit she's sporting does not signify meditative, quiet time with Lord but instead, the brokenness of loneliness. Please intervene, and intervene quickly. If you can bring 10 of your closest friends over to where she's sitting, that is even better. Be sure to include, "Are you ok? You can tell me. No really, what's wrong?" And make sure you kidnap her for a little post-Refuge Waffle House time. Nothing builds community like truckers, florescent lights, and eating greasy food at weird hours.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
#10: being too legit to quit
Here at OBU we value individuality and going against the grain, for we know that it is the only way to truly fit in. Not only is embracing one another's originality a way to celebrate diversity, it can also be a form of encouragement. For instance, just last week I saw a girl with some really tight bangs, and I thought she was just so darn cute, so I decided to encourage her in her unique style choice by getting my haircut exactly the same way. Imitation: the highest form of flattery.
At the caf, you might often find yourself in the classic let's-talk-about-bands-that-no one-else-has-ever-heard-of conversation. This can be a little overwhelming at first if you're a newbie and can't quite figure out how to jump into the convo. I find the best way to get in there is to invent a band name. Though it maybe a stretch of the truth, this method shows that you too enjoy a good Indie album in your spare time (preferably on Vinyl--CDs just can't pick up those subtle overtones). Be sure to make your faux-band title sound simultaneously obscure, vague, and profound, such as "Postmodern Rocket." Another formula for band name creation is {"the"+"[noun]"+"s"}--i.e. "The Hands," "The Stopwatches," "The Go-Go Gadgets." I could go on and on. Also, don't feel guilty if sometimes you need to pretend like you enjoy the band they're talking about, even if you've never heard of them. Just be sure to throw in "yeah, their album's pretty good, but have you heard them live? Epic."
The great thing about Ouachita's artsy scene is that it comes with a Christian twist. I mean, nothing says I'm a hipster AND I love social justice like a good 'ole pair of TOMS shoes. Also, fortunately for us, the growth of the Indie subculture amongst our generation has inspired a whole slew of Christian Indie bands to emerge from those garages and sneak their way into the local coffeehouse/liberal arts college scene. We now have a positive to alternative to K-LOVE for our cars! And let's not forget about those they-might-secretly-be-Christians bands with their soul-searching lyrics and hints of spirituality. Wait, what's that you say? Jon Foreman hot, Switchfoot not? I can't even talk to you. Your just so real right now.
**the writer of SOL would like to preemptively apologize to all of her good friends who may be offended by this article. It's all in love...and well maybe a little bitterness held over from too many "let's-talk-about-bands-no one-else-has-ever-heard-of" convos. :)
At the caf, you might often find yourself in the classic let's-talk-about-bands-that-no one-else-has-ever-heard-of conversation. This can be a little overwhelming at first if you're a newbie and can't quite figure out how to jump into the convo. I find the best way to get in there is to invent a band name. Though it maybe a stretch of the truth, this method shows that you too enjoy a good Indie album in your spare time (preferably on Vinyl--CDs just can't pick up those subtle overtones). Be sure to make your faux-band title sound simultaneously obscure, vague, and profound, such as "Postmodern Rocket." Another formula for band name creation is {"the"+"[noun]"+"s"}--i.e. "The Hands," "The Stopwatches," "The Go-Go Gadgets." I could go on and on. Also, don't feel guilty if sometimes you need to pretend like you enjoy the band they're talking about, even if you've never heard of them. Just be sure to throw in "yeah, their album's pretty good, but have you heard them live? Epic."
The great thing about Ouachita's artsy scene is that it comes with a Christian twist. I mean, nothing says I'm a hipster AND I love social justice like a good 'ole pair of TOMS shoes. Also, fortunately for us, the growth of the Indie subculture amongst our generation has inspired a whole slew of Christian Indie bands to emerge from those garages and sneak their way into the local coffeehouse/liberal arts college scene. We now have a positive to alternative to K-LOVE for our cars! And let's not forget about those they-might-secretly-be-Christians bands with their soul-searching lyrics and hints of spirituality. Wait, what's that you say? Jon Foreman hot, Switchfoot not? I can't even talk to you. Your just so real right now.
**the writer of SOL would like to preemptively apologize to all of her good friends who may be offended by this article. It's all in love...and well maybe a little bitterness held over from too many "let's-talk-about-bands-no one-else-has-ever-heard-of" convos. :)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
#9: equating walking with a member of the opposite sex with making it to 2nd base
**
Ok, girl. Now I am not trying to pry, but who's that guy I saw you walking over to the student center with the other day? I mean, I had heard you were talking to someone, but I didn't know you had gone public with that relationship already. What's the deal? Is it serious? Have you talked about marriage yet? Picked out your bridesmaids dress color? Discussed how many kids you are going to have? All I am saying is he is cute!!! Way to go, girl. I just knew you couldn't stay single forever with such a great personality. Any guy would be stupid not to swipe for you at Starbucks or text you irrelevant messages all day long. I knew as soon as I saw the two of you sitting together at Refuge that he was the one. I am just so excited for y'all!
Wait, what? You're not dating? You were just running a work study errand together, and you don't even remember his name? Well, that's just not fair to the rest of us for you to go frolicking around campus with members of the opposite sex like that. People will talk. Everyone will be confused. It just leads to gossip and disharmony in the Ouachita Community, and you don't want to be responsible for that, do you? Seriously, if you are going to send mixed signals like this, you should really do something to clear up the miscommunication. Please specify in your facebook status that you are single, available, and currently not interested in anyone. Your present trampy ways are frustrating to all of us. And I am thinking of you in this, too. If you ever want a guy to marry you, he needs to be confident that you are single and ready to mingle. If you don't have enough self-control to walk around with females only, at least keep a 5 foot gap between you and your co-ed, friend, mmmkay?
**today's post is inspired by the humor of Lauren "getting down to the witty-gritty" Reynolds.
Ok, girl. Now I am not trying to pry, but who's that guy I saw you walking over to the student center with the other day? I mean, I had heard you were talking to someone, but I didn't know you had gone public with that relationship already. What's the deal? Is it serious? Have you talked about marriage yet? Picked out your bridesmaids dress color? Discussed how many kids you are going to have? All I am saying is he is cute!!! Way to go, girl. I just knew you couldn't stay single forever with such a great personality. Any guy would be stupid not to swipe for you at Starbucks or text you irrelevant messages all day long. I knew as soon as I saw the two of you sitting together at Refuge that he was the one. I am just so excited for y'all!
Wait, what? You're not dating? You were just running a work study errand together, and you don't even remember his name? Well, that's just not fair to the rest of us for you to go frolicking around campus with members of the opposite sex like that. People will talk. Everyone will be confused. It just leads to gossip and disharmony in the Ouachita Community, and you don't want to be responsible for that, do you? Seriously, if you are going to send mixed signals like this, you should really do something to clear up the miscommunication. Please specify in your facebook status that you are single, available, and currently not interested in anyone. Your present trampy ways are frustrating to all of us. And I am thinking of you in this, too. If you ever want a guy to marry you, he needs to be confident that you are single and ready to mingle. If you don't have enough self-control to walk around with females only, at least keep a 5 foot gap between you and your co-ed, friend, mmmkay?
**today's post is inspired by the humor of Lauren "getting down to the witty-gritty" Reynolds.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
#8: envying members of the Pruett School for their possession of the Christian-Studies-Major card
So, it happened again. I was having that age-old debate with friends around the dinner table about who would win if God's Sovereignty and Man's Free Will had a throw down. I thought I was holding my own in the conversation, citing personal experiences, others' testimonies, Bible verses, and an occasional Pat Robertson quote when KAZAM! you had to go and pull out your Greek Bible. Now, while I am so proud of you for your exegeting skills and your possession of a travel-sized New Testament in its original language, from this point on you hold the ultimate trump card in our debate. Suddenly, you are C.S. Lewis, and I am the old lady in Sunday school who still thinks playing pool is a sin. I resent you for that. (I can still resent people because I've only grasped that text about forgiveness in their town. I haven't applied it to my own yet.)
Don't get me wrong. One day I will be so thankful for the way that knowing the word parakletos has helped you understand the Holy Spirit. When you're behind the pulpit, and I am sitting on the pew using my Bible to whack my kiddos until they concentrate on their Noah's Ark coloring sheets, I'll be grateful that someone else is there to do that extra studying for me. And I will cherish that $50 I got back on my NT commentaries and Bible dictionaries. So, I thank you in advance for that, my friend. But right now, you are stealing my thunder. Maybe one day, I will stop being bitter, but not right now. Right now I'll be licking my debate wounds as I scurry with my tail between my legs right on over to my I-Tunes library, where I will be comforted by the lyrics of "Oh How He Loves Us." Wait, could you repeat what you just said? You don't think the lyrics of verse two are biblical? Ag, I give up.
Don't get me wrong. One day I will be so thankful for the way that knowing the word parakletos has helped you understand the Holy Spirit. When you're behind the pulpit, and I am sitting on the pew using my Bible to whack my kiddos until they concentrate on their Noah's Ark coloring sheets, I'll be grateful that someone else is there to do that extra studying for me. And I will cherish that $50 I got back on my NT commentaries and Bible dictionaries. So, I thank you in advance for that, my friend. But right now, you are stealing my thunder. Maybe one day, I will stop being bitter, but not right now. Right now I'll be licking my debate wounds as I scurry with my tail between my legs right on over to my I-Tunes library, where I will be comforted by the lyrics of "Oh How He Loves Us." Wait, could you repeat what you just said? You don't think the lyrics of verse two are biblical? Ag, I give up.
Monday, August 16, 2010
#7: being aptly dressed 24/7 for both summer camp and a mission trip
As a Christian, I am aware that at any given time of day or night God may call me to go on a mission trip. If the situation is especially urgent, He may even ask me to apparate right over to that foreign land. Thus, in order to be prepared for this scenario, one must always be aptly dressed for a mission trip/camp-situation. Just in case you're confused about what that looks like, let me break it down for you: Chacos, t-shirt, Nalgene bottle, passport, digital camera, bandana head band, and you're good to go. This attire is also useful for those times when your big-bro/big-sister date or Backyard Bible Club session turns into a classic camp-counseling situation, complete with archery, horse-back riding, and songs around the fire.
As every Ouachitonian knows, outfits like the one mentioned above make for optimal comfort when navigating the Roman Road alongside your translator, throwing up that Honduran kid in the air like an airplane for the 50th time in a row, or combating a tricky toilet situation out in the African Bush. Sure, you can choose to wear something else to class each day, but just prepare yourself for 97% less effectiveness when that Shofar blows, and God calls you to red-eye it over to the Philippines.
As every Ouachitonian knows, outfits like the one mentioned above make for optimal comfort when navigating the Roman Road alongside your translator, throwing up that Honduran kid in the air like an airplane for the 50th time in a row, or combating a tricky toilet situation out in the African Bush. Sure, you can choose to wear something else to class each day, but just prepare yourself for 97% less effectiveness when that Shofar blows, and God calls you to red-eye it over to the Philippines.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
#6: thinking that laughing about ring by spring will distract others from the fact that you got engaged in april
From week one, freshman are introduced to and encouraged to laugh at the Ouachita myth of "ring by spring or your money back." Yet, in lieu of all this giggling and mockery, one can easily overlook the fact that this myth is a real phenomenon. I personally love Spring at Ouachita. I feel so satisfied in my singleness when I open up my facebook homepage every week to find that BAM! six more Ouachita couples have gotten engaged. And each year I eagerly look forward to Marriage, Dating, and Engagement week, fun-filled with a variety of practical talks that reassure us doubting-Thomases that joy and singlehood are not mutually exclusive. And I, for one, really enjoyed that weekend retreat.
All of Ouachita joins in the limbo dance between brushing off dating and encouraging Ouachita students to bag a spouse, and bag 'em quick. Though professors will be the first to poke fun at the "ring by spring myth," they will also be the first to mention that the awkward freshman sitting beside you during WOW or Bible Survey could very well be the one. Furthermore, many a student has scoffed at Ouachita with its over-eager, fundamentalist, Victorian match-making ways only to get engaged to a fellow Ouachitonian second semester of senior year. We know you are. We know what you did. All the while, those who unfortunately remain lonely...I mean single** up through senior year fear that someday soon they will become that awkward, unmarried, pew-to-themselves church-goer who gets banished to the widows' and divorcees' Sunday school class and gets match-made with every schmuck who breathes and owns a Bible. And while they wait for that day to come, they secretly wonder, "will I ever have sex?"
**This joke was stolen straight from Jonathan Acuff
All of Ouachita joins in the limbo dance between brushing off dating and encouraging Ouachita students to bag a spouse, and bag 'em quick. Though professors will be the first to poke fun at the "ring by spring myth," they will also be the first to mention that the awkward freshman sitting beside you during WOW or Bible Survey could very well be the one. Furthermore, many a student has scoffed at Ouachita with its over-eager, fundamentalist, Victorian match-making ways only to get engaged to a fellow Ouachitonian second semester of senior year. We know you are. We know what you did. All the while, those who unfortunately remain lonely...I mean single** up through senior year fear that someday soon they will become that awkward, unmarried, pew-to-themselves church-goer who gets banished to the widows' and divorcees' Sunday school class and gets match-made with every schmuck who breathes and owns a Bible. And while they wait for that day to come, they secretly wonder, "will I ever have sex?"
**This joke was stolen straight from Jonathan Acuff
Saturday, August 14, 2010
#5: wondering if you're on a "hi"-basis with people
With the new school year quickly approaching and a whole new batch of freshman, transfers, and exchange students heading down to the Delph to take their place in Ouachita history-making, days of awkward mingling and acquaintance-building are soon to commence. These experiences combined with the ratio of student population to campus size have the potential to create a variety of uncomfortable side-walk scenarios for us Ouachita students. In order to help you in your time of need, I have created a list of options for gauging whether or not you are on a "hi"-basis with someone:
Scenario 1: You chatted at the Campus Ministries Mixer for 5-10 minutes, but you can't really remember his name.
Consider yourself on a "hi" but not "hi, how are you? let's stop and chat for a while"-basis. If he looks confused, maybe you should just let this one go. If it is now April, and several months have passed since your meeting, perhaps don't even go there.
Scenario 2: You were in a WOW group together.
Unless you had some serious DMC and have been daily chatting ever since about the status of your ailing grandmother, you are not on a "hi"-basis. The month is irrelevant. Trust me on this one. Been there, tried that. The results are usually catastrophic. If you must interact, keep it to a smile.
Scenario 3: You are on the same intramural team, but you've never really talked.
Consider yourself on a "bro-bump"-basis. This is especially appropriate if you are wearing your team t-shirt, for it helps clear up confusion and possibly even injury if your bro fails to return the bump. If you're a girl, a high five or enthusiastic thumbs up with wink will suffice.
Scenario 4: Someone you've never seen before thinks you are on a "hi, how are you?"-basis.
This is bound to happen considering the general level of friendliness of Ouachita students. If a conversation ensues, keep it to vague generalities like the weather and how brutal waking up for 8:00 classes is. If names are called for, stick to the ever-helpful "girl, dude, bro, etc." The use of Ebonics often helps, as well, to foster a sense of community and light-heartedness when genuine intimacy is lacking. Under no circumstances should you start guessing about info. If necessary, fake a black-out or bathroom emergency, and get out of there, stat!
Alternatives: If you would like to avoid having to make an assessment about what basis you are on with that fellow sidewalk-walker altogether, there are a couple of options. There is the pretend-like-you're-talking-on-your-cellphone trick. It's slightly shameful but works every time. Also available is the hug-him-until-he-confesses-to-either-not-knowing-you-or-knowing-all-your-personal-information trick. Use this second one at your own risk.
Scenario 1: You chatted at the Campus Ministries Mixer for 5-10 minutes, but you can't really remember his name.
Consider yourself on a "hi" but not "hi, how are you? let's stop and chat for a while"-basis. If he looks confused, maybe you should just let this one go. If it is now April, and several months have passed since your meeting, perhaps don't even go there.
Scenario 2: You were in a WOW group together.
Unless you had some serious DMC and have been daily chatting ever since about the status of your ailing grandmother, you are not on a "hi"-basis. The month is irrelevant. Trust me on this one. Been there, tried that. The results are usually catastrophic. If you must interact, keep it to a smile.
Scenario 3: You are on the same intramural team, but you've never really talked.
Consider yourself on a "bro-bump"-basis. This is especially appropriate if you are wearing your team t-shirt, for it helps clear up confusion and possibly even injury if your bro fails to return the bump. If you're a girl, a high five or enthusiastic thumbs up with wink will suffice.
Scenario 4: Someone you've never seen before thinks you are on a "hi, how are you?"-basis.
This is bound to happen considering the general level of friendliness of Ouachita students. If a conversation ensues, keep it to vague generalities like the weather and how brutal waking up for 8:00 classes is. If names are called for, stick to the ever-helpful "girl, dude, bro, etc." The use of Ebonics often helps, as well, to foster a sense of community and light-heartedness when genuine intimacy is lacking. Under no circumstances should you start guessing about info. If necessary, fake a black-out or bathroom emergency, and get out of there, stat!
Alternatives: If you would like to avoid having to make an assessment about what basis you are on with that fellow sidewalk-walker altogether, there are a couple of options. There is the pretend-like-you're-talking-on-your-cellphone trick. It's slightly shameful but works every time. Also available is the hug-him-until-he-confesses-to-either-not-knowing-you-or-knowing-all-your-personal-information trick. Use this second one at your own risk.
Friday, August 13, 2010
#4: secretly wanting to be part of the refuge band
Donning v-necks, awesome hair, and sometimes flannel, they grace the stage of 2nd Baptist Church every Thursday night. They are...the Refuge band. Now, given the unholy (or perhaps very holy) amount of musical talent wandering around Ouachita, unfortunately some Chris Tomlins and CeCe Winans-to-Be's will not be able to be a part of the Refuge band. It's just not numerically possible or practical to change up who's playing lead or who's on keys every week. Perhaps, you are a student who has been disappointed by this reality. Maybe you, now a senior, have hoped every fall that this would be your year--the year your worship-leading dreams come to fruition and you, too, get to own that v-neck, son. Well, don't lose heart, my friend, for I have created a list of viable ways for you to up your chances of getting that spot in the Thursday-night line-up.
1. Sit next to James Taylor at Refuge.
Don't hold back as you belt out those harmonies during "Revelation Song." Drum on the pew, so he sees that you also have rhythm. If he's prayerfully closing his eyes, bust out that steel guitar and let your gentle rifts waft into his ears as you drift your way into his melodious heart.
2. Don't waste an opportunity.
Dino's Karaoke nights. CAB coffee houses. Jam sessions on the Bridge. These are your times to shine, friend. Sure, maybe other people are singing Beyonce or Damien Rice songs, but that doesn't mean that you can't break into a little Matt Redman. Make sure when you play, you highlight your ability to make a capo-switch in 3 seconds flat and smoothly pray a prayer for the sole purpose of a key change. Like the old saying goes, there ain't no party like a Hillsong party.
3. Network, network, network.
The surest way to get invited to jam with the Refuge Band is by befriending its leader. Keep an eye out for any up-and-coming worship leaders amongst your classmates. Who's been invited to play at Noon Day? Any guest leaders on Thursday nights recently? Who's that carrying their guitar to the caf? Any names coming to mind? You know what to do: befriend them so fast they don't even know what hit them. If skills of observation fail you in this mission, don't hesitate to have a friend create a diversion in the CM office while you pilfer through the Ministry Leader applications.
4. Inception.
If all above methods fail, you+ Leo DiCaprio+ that guy from "500 Days of Summer"+ a crazy suitcase with an I.V. thing attached to it= fool-proof plan. You'll be in there like swimwear faster than you sing the bridge of "How Great is Our God."
1. Sit next to James Taylor at Refuge.
Don't hold back as you belt out those harmonies during "Revelation Song." Drum on the pew, so he sees that you also have rhythm. If he's prayerfully closing his eyes, bust out that steel guitar and let your gentle rifts waft into his ears as you drift your way into his melodious heart.
2. Don't waste an opportunity.
Dino's Karaoke nights. CAB coffee houses. Jam sessions on the Bridge. These are your times to shine, friend. Sure, maybe other people are singing Beyonce or Damien Rice songs, but that doesn't mean that you can't break into a little Matt Redman. Make sure when you play, you highlight your ability to make a capo-switch in 3 seconds flat and smoothly pray a prayer for the sole purpose of a key change. Like the old saying goes, there ain't no party like a Hillsong party.
3. Network, network, network.
The surest way to get invited to jam with the Refuge Band is by befriending its leader. Keep an eye out for any up-and-coming worship leaders amongst your classmates. Who's been invited to play at Noon Day? Any guest leaders on Thursday nights recently? Who's that carrying their guitar to the caf? Any names coming to mind? You know what to do: befriend them so fast they don't even know what hit them. If skills of observation fail you in this mission, don't hesitate to have a friend create a diversion in the CM office while you pilfer through the Ministry Leader applications.
4. Inception.
If all above methods fail, you+ Leo DiCaprio+ that guy from "500 Days of Summer"+ a crazy suitcase with an I.V. thing attached to it= fool-proof plan. You'll be in there like swimwear faster than you sing the bridge of "How Great is Our God."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
#3: hating on OBU rules aloud while secretly appreciating the way they make room for nakedness
I have a love-hate relationship with the OBU "closed-dorm" policy. On the one hand, I resent the way it transforms the message sent by inviting a co-ed over to watch a movie from, "hey, I wanna be your friend, and I think it's great that that I finally found someone else who will gladly watch all the Star Wars movies in consecutive order with me," to "hey, I think you're marriage material. Let's have some shoe-in-the-door quality time together and see what happens."
On the other hand, though, throughout my entire three years at Ouachita, I have been spared from the shock of walking in on my roommate and her boyfriend getting to know each other in the Biblical sense. And let us not forget the significance of the way "closed-dorm" makes Ouachita dormitories clothing-optional. Let's have a moment of honesty here: nakedness is liberating. I mean, how many of us can sincerely say that if we were shipwrecked on an abandoned island, and there were no other survivors, that we wouldn't frolic around in our birthday suits? I know engineering a dress out of fig leaves would not be my first priority.
However, one important tip to remember while you embrace the possibilities created for you by the "closed-dorm" policy is to make sure your window shades are closed. With the close proximity of some dorms--i.e. those in Freshman Island--you, my Francis-Crawford-dwelling friend, may soon find yourself posed with the age old question: "Who told you you were naked?" To which you will reply, "Whelp, Perrin 3rd Floor did, sir."
On the other hand, though, throughout my entire three years at Ouachita, I have been spared from the shock of walking in on my roommate and her boyfriend getting to know each other in the Biblical sense. And let us not forget the significance of the way "closed-dorm" makes Ouachita dormitories clothing-optional. Let's have a moment of honesty here: nakedness is liberating. I mean, how many of us can sincerely say that if we were shipwrecked on an abandoned island, and there were no other survivors, that we wouldn't frolic around in our birthday suits? I know engineering a dress out of fig leaves would not be my first priority.
However, one important tip to remember while you embrace the possibilities created for you by the "closed-dorm" policy is to make sure your window shades are closed. With the close proximity of some dorms--i.e. those in Freshman Island--you, my Francis-Crawford-dwelling friend, may soon find yourself posed with the age old question: "Who told you you were naked?" To which you will reply, "Whelp, Perrin 3rd Floor did, sir."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
#2: thinking social clubs are either the only way to make friends or straight from the pit of hell
As a Christian, Baptist, and avid reader of God's Word, I know that there are no gray areas in life. There is black, and there is white. This truth is similar to the way that there is only Heaven and Hell (contrary to what those other non-Bible-reading "Christians" believe. All I'm saying is that I never heard the word "purgatory" come out of Jesus' mouth.) Thus, it is only natural that students at Ouachita would take a similar stance on the controversial issue of social clubs. There are two camps: Camp A, those who hate social clubs with a righteous, stabbing-adulterers-with-a-tent-peg kind of anger, and Camp B, those who think everyday is letter-day Wednesday. There is no middle ground.
Camp A:
A mixture of proud-to-be-Indies and de-pledges, these students have a variety of ways of distinguishing themselves. During rush week, you'll often catch them in the chapel, praying that those vulnerable freshman will walk in the light and steer clear of the Dark Side. On Bid Day, you'll find them partying it up at Pancake Palooza. And during pledge week, they will attend Indie Skate Night, where they will be reassured that they do indeed have friends. At Refuge (for, of course, all Indies are Refuge attenders), you might just overhear them praying a prayer of thanksgiving to God for giving them the self-confidence and general hipness they needed to be able to make friends without the crutch of organized camaraderie.
Camp B (or if written on a poster, Camp Beee):
Camp Beeesters look forward to Wednesdays--and really every other day that ends in "Y"--when they get to support their club by wearing letters. Now just in case you are wondering about what I mean when I say letters, don't be confused. They do not actually wear letters of the Amuhrican alphabet. Those funny Greek squigglies are not New Testament quotes but in fact respresentations of club names. I know it's all a little perplexing, but with the help of flash cards, a $400 membership fee, and a t-shirt to commemorate this day, soon you too can understand. Members of Camp B know that the only way to truly form week-long friendships, to always have peeps to sit with in the Caf, and to master the art of making posters with glitter is to pledge. Sure, they miss the days when Tiger Tunes was actually fun, but there are more important things in life, like finding a spouse. And every Ouachitonian knows that the best way to have your sister find you a mister is up in 'da club.
Camp A:
A mixture of proud-to-be-Indies and de-pledges, these students have a variety of ways of distinguishing themselves. During rush week, you'll often catch them in the chapel, praying that those vulnerable freshman will walk in the light and steer clear of the Dark Side. On Bid Day, you'll find them partying it up at Pancake Palooza. And during pledge week, they will attend Indie Skate Night, where they will be reassured that they do indeed have friends. At Refuge (for, of course, all Indies are Refuge attenders), you might just overhear them praying a prayer of thanksgiving to God for giving them the self-confidence and general hipness they needed to be able to make friends without the crutch of organized camaraderie.
Camp B (or if written on a poster, Camp Beee):
Camp Beeesters look forward to Wednesdays--and really every other day that ends in "Y"--when they get to support their club by wearing letters. Now just in case you are wondering about what I mean when I say letters, don't be confused. They do not actually wear letters of the Amuhrican alphabet. Those funny Greek squigglies are not New Testament quotes but in fact respresentations of club names. I know it's all a little perplexing, but with the help of flash cards, a $400 membership fee, and a t-shirt to commemorate this day, soon you too can understand. Members of Camp B know that the only way to truly form week-long friendships, to always have peeps to sit with in the Caf, and to master the art of making posters with glitter is to pledge. Sure, they miss the days when Tiger Tunes was actually fun, but there are more important things in life, like finding a spouse. And every Ouachitonian knows that the best way to have your sister find you a mister is up in 'da club.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
#1: being prayerfully concerned for those who have mixed up their priorities by placing school above friends
Despite what that brochure said and despite what that $23,000 a year check from your parents to Ouachita implied, you did not come to Ouachita to study. You came to make friends. Why else would Ouachita offer enough extra-curricular activities for you to remain free time and sleeptimeless year-round? And with a library that closes at 11:00? Puh-lease! Every college student knows that no valuable homeworking occurs before midnight.
Oh, Ouachita, we see through your facade. Your ruse is clever, but we have the Word on our side. Liberal Arts, Schmiberal Arts, here at OBU, we are a Hebrews 10:25 people. I don't see anything about attending class in that passage. But through looking at the cultural context and crossing that 'ole principlizing bridge, one can clearly see that this verse leaves room--dare I say even encourages--2:00AM Taco Bell runs. And just in case that's not enough to convince you, try Acts 4:34-35 on for size. Many a time last year, I chose to forgo completing a reading assignment in order to have some DMC (deep meaningful conversation) with a troubled peer at Starbucks. That, my friends, is the body of Christ at work.
However, every year there are those unfortunate students who lose sight of the path, who mix up their priorities by placing grades above fellowship. You have probably had a friend who struggled in this way. At first the sign were subtle--a shady-buttoned phone call, a missed Noon Day--but then they worsened. Soon your friend started sitting at the anti-social cubbies in the library and actually turned down camping at The Rock in order to work on a research paper. Now we who stick to the narrow path realize that caring about grades more than 24/7 fellowship is darn near idolatry. I mean, who told him that he needed to make all A's and B's? I suspect it was that prideful sin nature coming back to haunt him once again. For, if his faith were truly strong, he would trust God to provide him with other forms of financial aid when he loses that scholarship or goes on academic probation. Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to rescue a friend who has mixed up her priorities. You should not hesitate to hide her textbooks or turn off her alarm in order to remind her how liberating skipping class feels. However, usually the most effective way to confront a stumbling friend is through assertive, face-to-face intervention. You may have to kidnap him in the middle of the night and take him Waffle House for the conversation if worst comes to worst. But just remember, you are doing this out of love.
Oh, Ouachita, we see through your facade. Your ruse is clever, but we have the Word on our side. Liberal Arts, Schmiberal Arts, here at OBU, we are a Hebrews 10:25 people. I don't see anything about attending class in that passage. But through looking at the cultural context and crossing that 'ole principlizing bridge, one can clearly see that this verse leaves room--dare I say even encourages--2:00AM Taco Bell runs. And just in case that's not enough to convince you, try Acts 4:34-35 on for size. Many a time last year, I chose to forgo completing a reading assignment in order to have some DMC (deep meaningful conversation) with a troubled peer at Starbucks. That, my friends, is the body of Christ at work.
However, every year there are those unfortunate students who lose sight of the path, who mix up their priorities by placing grades above fellowship. You have probably had a friend who struggled in this way. At first the sign were subtle--a shady-buttoned phone call, a missed Noon Day--but then they worsened. Soon your friend started sitting at the anti-social cubbies in the library and actually turned down camping at The Rock in order to work on a research paper. Now we who stick to the narrow path realize that caring about grades more than 24/7 fellowship is darn near idolatry. I mean, who told him that he needed to make all A's and B's? I suspect it was that prideful sin nature coming back to haunt him once again. For, if his faith were truly strong, he would trust God to provide him with other forms of financial aid when he loses that scholarship or goes on academic probation. Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to rescue a friend who has mixed up her priorities. You should not hesitate to hide her textbooks or turn off her alarm in order to remind her how liberating skipping class feels. However, usually the most effective way to confront a stumbling friend is through assertive, face-to-face intervention. You may have to kidnap him in the middle of the night and take him Waffle House for the conversation if worst comes to worst. But just remember, you are doing this out of love.
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