Don't look at me like that. You know, maybe in a weak moment during finals, that you've stumbled. Hey, this is a safe space for confession-we've all been there. Ten pages left on that exegetical paper, and you've already been at it for 7 1/2 long, claustrophobic hours in a freezing study room. The pages of commentary begin to blur in front of your eyes, and the usually captivating discussion over Paul's use of conjunctions in Romans 11 stops making sense. You notice your hands begin to shake from caffeine withdrawals, and you remember that pile of fresh, crumbly, decadent chocolate chunk Otis Spunkmeyer muffins placed so haphazardly on the Starbucks counter. You know that taking a break long enough to enjoy your caffeine outside the library would disrupt your flow of thought and lead to failure. Even the most strong willed and studious of library patrons begin to imagine how much a small cup of coffee would aide in the homework process.
Only problem?
Besides bottled water, food and drink do not fly within the confines of Riley-Hickingbotham. So, like prisoners smuggling contraband, we find ourselves faced with the difficult-but not impossible-task of sneaking Starbucks into the library. There are 4 main approaches.
1. Pulling the Freshman card
Some students walk straight in from Starbucks, venti mocha-chino with whip cream in hand. Secretly, they hope the librarians and student workers will turn a blind eye out of respect for their boldness. But if this fails, they merely feign ignorance to the rule by batting their eyelashes, turning up that southern accent, and innocently saying, "Oh, this book staining/carpet ruining/bug attracting deliciousness isn't allowed? I'm just a freshman/transfer/new to studying senior, I was very unaware..." in naive hopes the librarian will let their drink stay 'just this once'.
Success Rate: 15%
Warning: This excuse can only be used 2x per librarian or student worker before they begin to get suspicious.
2. Conceal and Carry
This method involves first removing every item from the backpack inside the library. Once in Starbucks, the beverage is carefully placed with a complicated system of coats and napkins at the bottom of said backpack. Then the carrier simply strolls into the library, past the student worker, disguised as a rule following, beverage less student.
Success Rate: 70%
Warning: Not recommended for beginners, the facially expressive, anyone with an expensive backpack, or those that do not like the occasional feeling of steaming hot beverages spilling down their back or thigh.
3. Bribing the guard
This can be tricky. If done incorrectly, the student worker positioned at the Starbucks entrance will be staring you down every time you even approach this side of campus. But occasionally, a Snickers bar or Naked juice passed indiscreetly across the table is all you need to gain access for your tea.
Success Rate: 30%
3b. Befriending the guard
Closely related and more successful than the above, befriending the guard is a good and practical approach. It never hurts to meet and get to know a fellow Ouachitonian, especially one who watches those who exit Starbucks with a watchful eye. It is better to grow these friendships outside of the work study environment, however, as the student workers in the library tend to be clever, humorous, and intuitive when it comes to seeing through cheap attempts at camaraderie. Did I mention they also tend to be some of the best dressed and more attractive students on campus?
Success Rate: 25%-60%, depending on who is scheduled to work and the frequency of rotation.
Warning: It can be easy to abuse already existing friendships that offer this benefit. If over used, it puts your friend in the awkward position of helping out a pal and loosing their work study. Proceed with caution.
4. Treating the process like a video game
Before the days of first person shooters and RPGs, video games in my youth consisted of a Gameboy Color and various versions of the Pokemon series. In many of these games, success meant finding, through trial and error, a way of avoiding enemies or traps to make it to a prized object or enemy. I like to approach this in the same way. First, I visualize a map of the location. Then, I take a few moments to learn the predictable patterns of student worker movements as they patrol the shelves. Once I feel comfortable, I begin the quick and subtle journey of moving across the library and to my study location in increments. The secret to this maneuver is the subtle holding of ones cup at a casual, concealed location by your upper thigh. Be prepared to quickly move the coffee from one side to the other as needed.
Bonus Points: Rewarded for making it all the way to your study location without spilling over half your drink.
Success Rate: 90%
